There was a lot of him and a little penis
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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