do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
