I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
