I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
