My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
