Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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