guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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