oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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