I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
