i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
