Princesses don't give blow jobs
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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