things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
