i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
