Don't you send me to vm
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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