cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
