Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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