I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
