ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
