I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
