Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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