dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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