Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
