I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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