halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
