"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
