Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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