You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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