Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
