I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
