if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
