i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
