New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
