Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
