She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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