I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
