how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
