____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
