I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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