Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
