I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
