I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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