you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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