In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
