o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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