Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
