I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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