Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
