evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
