Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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