Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
